Been feeling down. I'm hoping the pain will ease after I type them out.

The assignment reports are just so much more difficult (like I expected last semester) - they want you to do interviews for ALL 3 courses. Accounting just scares the hell out of me, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the mid-term exams that are starting next month. Due to my own stupidity and circumstances I missed 2 subjects for mid-term in January, and now I have to take 4 subjects for mid-term alone!

There's no ADSL broadband in my place. Been using wireless ever since I moved house. Needless to say I'm just plain disappointed, even furious at one time, with the "speed" of the service. I tweaked with the modem features a little so that the speed would be faster. I need ADSL - I want to play some games but I can't do it. Gotta go to those dark, ghastly, horrid (both literal and figurative) cyber cafes and just hate the guys who smoke inside the cafes. I don't smoke and I hate the smell of cigarette. Afraid of any weird-looking gangster-wannabes who may threaten you to give up your wallet.

Just met my very good friend yesterday. Talked with him. I just enjoyed his company so much even though we talked for only 15 minutes. He's the one who read the Secret, and he told me he's still losing kilos. I felt very happy and stupid hearing that - happy that he's finally close to achieving his ideal weight and he's a better person; stupid that I'm lagging so far behind. I've been wanting to do the same but never had the spiritual resolution to do it. What the hell have I been doing all these while?

Been wanting to contact my ex-classmates but they're all overseas or in KL. Been chatting with internet friends but still I feel terribly lonely. I really hope to meet more people, have more friends in days to come. 정말 바라고 있어.

Lastly, an agony of sorts has been building up in my heart recently. It feels painful, unlike anything I've experienced before. The pain is both physical and spiritual, as though a ball of heat is residing in the heart organ itself. Whenever I remember that I have so many issues in the past (and present) that I have yet to solve, and this heatball keeps pestering me, I just break down. There are things I want to confess but just cannot say it, because I fear heaven itself would tear apart if I did.

So I choose to accept this pain, even if it means I die from it. I choose to be a martyr - of myself and of the person I know I love too much in my heart and which love I cannot possibly diminish anymore. If I am asked to die for this person, and if I am required to die enduring this pain, I am willing to do it.

Waiting for the pain to ease now.